J. H. Radeepan,
No. 18, Havelock Road,
Colombo 05
Mr Mohan Weerakoon,
22 A, Malwatta Road,
Matale
Invoice for 1 banner at SLCG 08
Dear Mr Weerakoon,
Attached is the invoice for the banner to be displayed at 'Sri Lanka Cyber Games 2008' on all three days of the event.
Looking forward to a reply regarding the awards sponsorship as well.
If you have any questions please don't hesitate to call me.
Thank you,
J.H. Radeepan
Critique of the Letter
In this business letter received by my father regarding an invoice for an event sponsorship, the writer shows some lack of clarity. With regards to the 7Cs of effective writing, the sender could be more courteous since no appreciation for the banner sponsorship is expressed and the style of closing is too informal.
The letter is not grammatically incorrect as such, however the sentence structure could be less fragmented to achieve a better flow and cohesion in the overall content. Although concise, important information such as the dates the ‘SLCG’ will be held and details regarding the awards sponsorship should be briefly mentioned in order to improve clarity and completeness of the letter. Also, the affiliation of the sender with the ‘SLCG’ event should be specified to increase the credibility of the message.
The correct format of a business letter is adhered to with some small errors such as not utilising a complimentary close and not including the date of drafting of the letter. Overall, I feel that the lack of detail and courtesy interfere with the effectiveness of this business letter whereby the sender is requesting for further assistance from the recipient.
Hi Anushangi,
ReplyDeleteYes indeed! I did not understand what SLCG stood for at first, till i read the main letter. I believe the title of a letter should be concise yet should not contain any abbreviations so that the reader would have a clearer picture of what the letter is about. Sometimes, people may not understand what is the abbreviation and thus would not bother about the mail, thinking it may just be another spam mail.
I do also agree with you that this letter lacks completeness as relevant information about the event are not stated.
I agree that the lack of gratitude is breathtaking and offends the 'courtesy C." I wonder how much business the writer's company has lost through this employee's shortcomings. The company is at fault too of course as they should train staff to nurture their sponsors.
ReplyDeleteA sponsor would want to know more about the games and 'be in' on the plans so you make a good point.
Mrs Richardson
Thank you Grace, for pointing out the confusing abbreviation used in the subject line. I think this contributes to destroying the letter's credibility as much as the sender's affiliation with the event not being mentioned since SLCG could represent more than one organization. It also just came to my notice that in the closing line, although the sender asks the recipient to call him regarding any queries, he has not given his contact number in the letter, again demonstrating its incompleteness.
ReplyDeleteMrs Richardson, you are right about this employee costing the company valuable business. My father did not bother to write back to them regarding the awards sponsorship after recieving this ungrateful letter.
I would agree that the letter lacks courtesy. The writer didn't specify the purpose of this letter in the beginning. In the second paragraph, he didn't specify who's looking forward a reply and whose reply he's looking forward to.
ReplyDeleteI would also agree that SLCG should be specified earlier on in the title instead of in the body of the letter.
Hi Anu,
ReplyDeleteI do agree with you. The letter is very informal and lacks courtesy. Especially the part regarding the sponsorship where he makes it sound like an imposition and obligation. I think this company would do better with more courteous and appreciative staff with better communication skills.
Maybe the 7C's of writing should be made into a software to vet through letters. I have had my share of such letters too!
Hi Anu,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your insightful comments on my posts. Yes, i totally agree with you on the lack of courtesy in the letter. In my opinion, the abbreviation in the title is confusing. He should have written down the title in full. And yes, the business letter is rather informal for my liking, especially one to a customer or a potential sponsor.If it were me, i rather be a little on the formal side than to appear callous.
Hey I’m Martin Reed,if you are ready to get a loan contact.Mr Benjamin via email: 247officedept@gmail.com ,WhatsApp:+1 989-394-3740 I’m giving credit to his Service .They grant me the sum 2,000,000.00 Euro. within 5 working days.Mr Benjamin work with group investors into pure loan and debt financing at the low ROI to pay off your bills or buy a home Or Increase your Business. please I advise everyone out there who are in need of loan and can be reliable, trusted and capable of repaying back at the due time of funds.
ReplyDelete